I am a Christ follower....and I take drugs.

Okay, the title may be a little dramatic.  I didn't know how to start this.  I have not been writing much on the blog. I have had posts upon posts written in my head, but I just can't seem to get myself to sit down and write.  This time....I couldn't keep it in.  I think there are some things that I need to say.

One of my favorite Mommy blogger wrote a blog not so long ago that goes against everything I am about to say.  I think it is her blog post that weighs so heavy on me.  I need to to tell my story....hopefully to speak to someone else that may be feeling weighed down with guilt or shame.

I'm going to start by saying that this last year I have felt like prisoner in my own body.  I have been having anxiety attacks.  The last 3 months they have been daily.  My chest is so tight I struggle to breath.  My back gets so tight I would find myself constantly rolling my neck and stretching my arms.  Each meal burned b/c of reflux feelings.  While it was happening I couldn't think straight and I got so annoyed which turned my family into targets.

I didn't talk about it.  I just prayed about it and told myself to SUCK IT UP!  I tried to use exersize and essential oils to help with the symptoms.  I helped a little.  A little tiny bit.

They would happen sometimes when things were stressful.  (Which means our month of homelessness transition was terrible.)  Many times it happened for no reason at all.  My social anxiety grew.  My relationship with my loved ones deteriorated.

I felt like dirt everyday.  Most the time I put on a happy face.  Not because I was trying to fake it....because I truly wanted to choose a better mood.

One day the Lord spoke clearly to me as I was crying out to Him.  (Now...I know that there are many non-believers reading this and I know the last line made you roll your eyes or a little uncomfortable.  I'm okay with that.  Yes....the Lord speaks to me.  Please, keep reading.)  He clearly said...Satan loves secrets.

That was the first time I realized that my anxiety was my secret.  The last 4 months it became worse.  Because it was my secret....it became Satan's playground.

I told my husband.....I told a few of my friends.....I told my parents......I told my sister.....
Everyone was surprised that I had been suffering so long and they did not know.

I then told my doctor.  I cried to him.  That was the first time that I said out loud that it was happening EVERYDAY.  I felt like crud physically EVERYDAY.

My wonderful gift of a OBGYN knew that drugs were not going to be an easy sell.  What he didn't know is I trust him very much and his many prayers over me when he walked alongside me through my miscarriages spoke to my heart.  When I am with him I know that I am with another Christ follower.  I trust him and I trust his care choices for me.

I left there with a prescription for an anti-anxiety drug.  He hopes to jump start the production of serotonin in my brain.  We hope to be off in 6 months.

So, I am drugged.  All of my symptoms are GONE!  I am truly enjoying my children and husband again.  I am multitasking again.  I'm extending myself to people outside my house again.  I am feeling passionate about the Lord and the people that he loves again.  The fog has lifted.

I am THANKFUL.

I am thankful that God brought Dr. Stallard into my life.  I'm thankful that there is medicine out there to help with my deficiency.  I am so so so thankful that God loves me so much to call me out on my secrets.

I am a Christ follower and I take drugs!